Overheard or rather directly heard this week:

“I’m going to go ahead and give you some of your time back…”

“I know I’m the only thing between you and your break…”

I’m at the point now when I hear these phrases or the like, I want to stand up, pump my fist in anger and yell at the top of my lungs, “DO BETTER!” and storm out all dramatic like.

Perhaps you’re thinking, “Erin, that seems like a bit of a strong reaction to an innocent quip or two…”

WRONG.
THERE IS NOTHING INNOCENT ABOUT THOSE QUIPS.
THEY ARE GUILTY!

And while we’re throwing the book at phrases, I’ll keep them coming so you can save them and never use them and therefore do not have to live in fear of me screaming, “DO BETTER!” at you if I were to ever hear you speak.

• I’m not sure why they invited me to speak…I’m just the ____.
• I’m so nervous! I don’t know what I’m doing! I’m afraid of speaking to groups!
• There’s no way I’m going to be as good as [the amazing person that just spoke] , so…
• I know I’m the only thing between you and your break/lunch/dinner/the bar/the speaker you really want to hear/and on and on and on…(I know this is how we started, but I need to try to give you a sense that all the contexts for this are not OK.

For those of you thinking, whew, I am not guilty as charged because I’m never in the position to say those types of things, I got you, too, boo…

• I don’t want you to take this the wrong way…
• I know I’m talking too much and I’m all over the place…
• I’m not trying to upset you/come down on you/whatever of you…
  

I could go on…but let’s get to why these phrases need to be thrown in the slammer, never to see the light of day again.

They are all disclaimers.

When we disclaim, we diminish.

We diminish the meaning of what we’re about to say.
We diminish the impact we’re there to create.
We diminish the confidence people bestow upon us.
We diminish the confidence we have in ourselves.
We diminish our authority, our credibility, and our power.

Ain’t nobody got time for that. NOBODY.

There’s two sides to this. Know that I’m looking out for you, the diminisher, and what that does to your impact. Know, too, that I’m thinking of the person on the other side of the diminish, and what that does to their experience.

Let’s go audience experience first, working with a few assumptions. We’re going to assume they are there listening to you for a reason. They are attending a conference, they are in a meeting, they are in a required training. Some might be stoked, some might be forced to be there. Either way they are there and the conscious or unconscious quiet commentary simmering in everyone’s minds is “this better be relevant” and “don’t waste my time.”

When we zing ‘em with a disclaimer to start about being between them and their next meal, the internal scream is “NOT RELEVANT. WASTE OF TIME.” If they want to go eat, they’ll go eat. If they want to be at the bar, they’ll be at the bar. Where they are is butts in seats staring at you ready to lean in to what you have to say. You have something to say. Say it!

Let’s talk about, “I’m so nervous.”

Nobody cares. 😳

I speak professionally for a living. I AM NERVOUS EVERY TIME. My hands get cold. I feel like I have to pee even though I just did 5 seconds prior. My stomach is a butterfly garden. My heart is pounding. Internally, I say, “I am excited!” Same physiology, different–more helpful–vibe.

So that nervous feeling is going to be there. (IMO, it means you care.)

I think people open with the “I’m nervous” because they think the audience will sense their vulnerability and give them some grace. Perhaps some do.

NOT THIS COLD HEARTED WOMAN! 😅

I hear “I’m nervous” and I roll my eyes.

For the record, I am NOT cold hearted. What I am is belief-hearted which is a term I just made up to say that I believe in people. I believe in their power. I believe in their presence. I believe in their impact. I believe in the experience they create.

And I believe that when you start off with, “I’m so nervous” you’re showing people your underbelly when you don’t need to.

People are there, butts in seats, having paid good money to be there or are giving their time or are told by HR that they have to be there…but they are there, ready to be moved…not to deal with your emotions.

Because you’re gonna be nervous. AND you’re going to get yourself prepared. You’re going to practice. You’re going to get feedback before you go up on that stage. You’re going to do all of those things and you might be nervous-and-you-know-it but there’s no need for the audience to know it because they are in their seats saying “please be relevant and don’t waste my time” and when you get up on that stage or behind that podium or in that boardroom and you stand and plant and project…nervous or not…they’re going to lean in and have no clue that you felt like you had to pee yourself (again personal situation not universal response) and they are going to think, “OK fill-in-your-name-here…Daaaannnnng, they are owning that space!”

That’s how you bring people in. Being prepared. Planting. Projecting. No need to tap into their vulnerability and grace banks just yet…let them save up that emotional energy for the impact you’re going to have on them. Blam-o.

We’ve got more to discuss. Perhaps a part two next week on those second groups of disclaimers. I’m Dave Matthews-ing it: I’ve got so much to say on this situation.

Why I want to yell, “Do better!” is because you are better than starting off with a disclaimer. You’re sending a message to the audience but you’re also sending a message to yourself. I’m going to put money on the fact that what you have to say and how you’re going to be in that moment is WAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY better than that house Pinot Grigio or Mich Ultra waiting for them at the bar.

Own that. Own your voice. Own your presence. Own the experience of you.

Disclaimers are for amateurs.

Be a pro.

PS. Curious of your comments on this one!
What’s your least favorite/most used disclaimer?
How cold hearted do you think I am? 😜
Hit reply. I’m on the other end of all of these emails.

If this week’s thoughts struck a nerve, let’s talk about The Extravaganza. 3 days. 10-20 people. Working through the exact preparation, practice, and presence needed so disclaiming is a thing of the past and creating impact is your immediate future. Click below or reply to this email with EXTRAVAGANZA and we can talk.
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When you’re ready, this is how we might work together.

🦋 The Extravaganza, the 3-day Presenting with Impact Intensive where people learn how to consistently, authentically, and confidently show up as their full on selves.
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🦋 Conference coming up? Let’s explore ways I can help elevate the human experience at your event. Hit reply and put PREGAME in the subject, and I’ll send you info about a pre-conference connection workshop that has attendees saying, “I’ve never been to a conference where I met and connected with people before the event began!”