This is when I think you should use your car horn: when you are about to smash into someone and/or someone is about to smash into you. Full stop. 

Unacceptable uses for car horns: laying on it when someone is going “too slow” in front of you. When someone doesn’t Mario-Andretti-it off the line on a green light. When there is someone in the crosswalk the person behind you can’t see yet they want you to go so they lay on the horn. The list could go on…

(I’ll give you a slight tap-tap-honk if someone is staring at their phone when the light turns green and does not move after 30 seconds.)

Unless there’s an imminent crash–there is no need to lay on the horn. 

Now, let’s substitute “lay on the horn” for “yelling at people” in the workplace. Or, as it were this last weekend, on the field hockey field. I cruised down to Orlando this past weekend and chaperoned and chauffeured my niece for her field hockey tournament. As I was standing on the sidelines, her coach **** put link in*** pulled someone out of the game and SCREAMED at her. Like full-blown, elbow-locked pressure on the horn but used his voice instead. 

It brought me back to times when I saw old bosses scream at employees. Or yell to get their point across. Or get angry and bellow to show the team they meant business. 

It doesn’t work. 

People don’t like to be yelled at.
People don’t like to be screamed at. 

In case that wasn’t obvious. 

You think you might be “showing them” or letting them know the extent of how you really feel by raising your voice and shouting. In fact, all you’re showing them is you have no control. You can’t check yourself before you wreck yourself. You have no persuasive or influential way to communicate or connect, so you scream; with that scream goes your cred. 

Think of the last time someone yelled at you. (I mean hopefully, it takes you a minute for someone to come to mind!)

Are you like, “Oh, yeah, I totally changed my behavior after they screamed!”

“Man, on my list of top five people I respect, that shouter is number one!”

“I go into work every day with a skip in my step and a smile on my face, knowing if I make a small mistake, I’ll get yelled at! It’s so motivating!” 

I think not. 

When we lose our temper, raise our voices, and shout, we lose respect. We lose people’s attention. We harm our reputation. We diminish our authority. 

That’s exactly what I saw and felt on the pitch on Sunday. Perhaps the player wasn’t where she was supposed to be. A little “toot toot” acknowledgment, getting her back on track, and showing her the way would have been much more effective than screaming at her so all could hear. 

Stern is effective. 

Serious works. 

Subdued when you are usually effervescent sends a signal. 

This is serious. I’m not pleased. We need to work on this. 

People will hear and feel that, and the door for behavior change opens. 

If you lay on your proverbial horn and raise your voice, the only behavior change you’ll see is people checking out and dismissing any authority you thought you had. 

As a leader, it’s your responsibility to know what it takes to keep yourself in check, to pause, and to let the anger dissipate before you open your trap. 

Don’t yell, shout, or holler. 

It doesn’t work for the team, and it does irreparable harm to you, your reputation, and your culture.