We’re approaching that time of year again: Erin’s birthday month which has now become a time of inadvertent reflection. 

I’m one of those birthday a-holes. I don’t really care, I don’t want a big deal made of it, I like to keep it on the down low…and then when there’s not a thoughtful gift, plans for dinner, a banner, balloons, and five different types of cake I’m like WTH why does no one care?!?! A-hole. 

Last year I turned the big 5-0 and I took a new approach to my birthday. I think I had about fifteen various celebrations and gatherings and friend hangs and such. It was actually sort of fun, embracing that birthday. 

Now I’m back to lowkey. Which is also sort of fun. 

Three years ago, doing my morning journaling, my “Sick Of” list was created. It wasn’t so much as created as just started flowing down the page: stuff I was sick of. It ranged from items like “unloading the dishwasher” to “not being healthy” and everything in between. 

I did a quick assessment, and realized there were things I a) didn’t care about, so I just forgot them; b) things I had control over, so I started to take action on them, and c) things I didn’t have control over, so I stopped giving them energy. 

There have been some pretty sweet changes that have stemmed from that Sick Of list…although I still have to unload the stupid dishwasher. 

This year the journaling took a different turn. Mostly because I’m now sick of being sick of stuff and am wanting to let some more expansiveness, light, and love into my life. Not to be all #livelaughlove, but I sensed there’s been a little clogging of the pipes. 

Meaning I’ve been a little crusty. Perhaps a tad cynical. A bit angry. Not very compassionate. Bordering on pessimistic. 

UMMMMM THOSE WORDS ARE NOT WORDS THAT ARE NORMALLY USED TO DESCRIBE MY 50 YEARS ON THIS PLANET. 

They sort of snuck up on me. The word “regret” came up in my writing the other day, and there was something about that word that didn’t feel quite right. I was thinking I “regret” actions and decisions I’ve made over the past few years, specifically when it comes to my business. 

The thing is, I’m a firm believe in reflecting and looking for what good came of things, even if at the moment it seemed “bad.” Like the coach I spent a lot of money on, who during one of our calls when I asked her a question, said, “Oh, read chapter 4 in my book. I cover that there.” Ummm…I read the book. I was hoping for some I DON’T KNOW COACHING. 

But…she did refer me to a group that started a whole lot of fun work and lots of business in the optometry field. (Shout out to my OD peeps out there!) So there’s that. 

As the pen kept moving across the paper, I realized that it wasn’t regret. It was forget…as in I’ve been forgetting. I’ve forgotten…who I am at the core and who I’ve been, and that those core elements are still there. 

The pipes have just been clogged with noise, coaches, “should be’s,” good intentions, advice, distraction, confusion. 

With all of that, I forgot. I forgot that when I started in my restaurant career, I quickly became responsible for all of the training. I had never taken a course on training. I had never been certified or anything of the sort. I just, somehow, knew how to train people. 

The next restaurant I worked at, they said, “Hey, we want you to create a leadership program.” Sure! I hadn’t been “trained” in leadership. I’d just learned a lot in that first job and had some ideas and figured it out. 

When I got off the plane in Panama for the Peace Corps I quickly realized that what I knew in the States would only take me so far in the conditions of the Peace Corps–but guess what, I made some stuff happen down there on that island. 

There was no course for any of this stuff. (Well maybe there is, I just didn’t take it!) 

I just jumped into things and said yes. I had the confidence to know how I wanted to show up and what I wanted to make happen. I asked for help and laughed at myself (a lot) for messing up and screwing up and having no idea but still making things happen. I just inherently knew some shit. And learned from experience. 

I don’t know what happened, or if it was anything specifically, that shifted that made me think I needed more coaches or learnings or conversations or how-to’s about how to do what I already know how to do. Maybe that’s just a phase of entrepreneurship? 

I don’t know why all of a sudden I’m noticing my pipes are clogged with stuff, thoughts, behaviors, that aren’t aligned with who I REALLY am, before all the noise got layered on. 

So do I regret the past few years? No. Not at all. Did I forget who I was a bit? Perhaps. This year is not regret it’s remember. Not that I need to have a list for everything although let’s face it I do because who doesn’t love a checklist…but now it’s my Remember List. 

Remembering who I am at my best. 

Remembering the words which REALLY, truly describe me: as a tough-minded optimist, as someone with a ton of energy, as someone who is a joy to be around. 

Remembering that sometimes we really have what we need and are just fine as we are if we take off all of the layers, turn down the noise, unclog the pipes, and clear out the caches. 

What would be on your remember list?

What have you forgotten about yourself that could use a little unclogging and bringing to the surface?

What would it be like if you just trusted that person?

Rolled in as that person?

Let that person be remembered and let that person shine. 

That’s what I’ll be attending to for this year. 

Remembering who I am as I continue to grow into who I want to be.