The weekend was a FIELD HOCKEY EXTRAVEGANZA. 

My bro was at the field from 7:30 AM to 7:30 PM Friday. That’s four games of field hockey fun spread out over 12 hours! (Math is my specialty.) Except there was something missing: the fun. 

I’ll spare the deets because chances are you might know a whole lot more about the goings on of high school sports than I do since I have approximately zero high-schoolers. We’ll put it this way: strategic decisions were made about what level the teams played at, which led to some soul-crushing scores.

While it’s not all about winning…sometimes it’s sweet to fly that W flag!

Then there’s what happens off the field after the game. Immediately following the games, Scott, the coach, has what one might call a debrief. Or, as my brother has dubbed them, Struggle Sessions. 

Scott recounts the game happenings, talks about what worked, a lot of what didn’t, and calls out various girls on their performance. 

I witnessed my first Struggle Sesh last year, and I had to walk away. 

This year was no different. 

Scott has a certain je ne sais quoi about him. The post-game talks are known throughout the land, as is his style. It’s one of those, “We’ll put up with the bad because there is some good.” “His approach might not be conventional, but he’s had ‘success.’” “He’s not a bad guy; he just needs to work on his delivery.” 

A lot has been said about his approach, and there is a lot to say. 

But a few things struck me this weekend that relate to the types of convos we have in our work settings. 

The Leading Question

“Are we having fun?” Umm, no. Besides the scoreboard shellacking, it was hot on Friday. The northeast girls were dropping like red-faced-heat-exhausted flies. There was shivering, there was vomiting, there was Gatorade and ice towels. It was a whole situation. Then there was Scott afterward asking, “Are we having fun? We’re having fun, right?” 

Leading the witness, your honor! 

It was clear the only acceptable answer was “Yes! Best 50 minutes of my life!” 

Anyone with any sort of sense could read the room and say it was decidedly not fun. His insistence on getting a “yes” answer reinforced the agree with authority figures vibe that is pervasive in work environments today. Asking leading questions without wanting to hear the real answer is asking people to lie. This erodes trust. It diminishes respect. It’s confusing. 

Just because we want something to be a certain way does not mean that is how it is. Leadership is the courage to ask questions and hear what people truly have to say. 

The Gotcha Question

If you’ve attended one of my workshops, chances are you heard me say/yell, “Ask more, tell less!” When we bring curious questions to the conversation, we can get the full picture, get closer to understanding, and see things we can’t see. Good questions make people think and reflect. 

Then there’s the “gotcha question.” Scott is masterful at these. (Not a good thing.) This is when you ask a question, fully knowing the answer combined with expecting someone to read your mind. “Why do you think I put Sally in that position halfway through the game?” 

The only response to this question should be, “I don’t know why?” 

That’s not how it goes down in the Seshes. Instead, the girls conjure up an answer, which usually involves inadvertently throwing someone under the bus or side-shaming them. Awesome. 

If you have something specific to say to someone or have an ideal behavior you’d like to see: tell them. Don’t make people guess. Don’t make people read your mind. Be explicit in your expectations. That’s your work to do. Not your hopefully-mind-reading-colleague. 

Scott does get my seal of approval in one area. He calls on a few girls to share their perspectives, what worked and what didn’t. They stand in front of the group and share their thoughts. This helps them think on their feet, have the confidence to stand in front of a group, reflect, and share their perspective. 

To be clear, Scott has some redeeming qualities as a coach. Sometimes, however, his intention doesn’t match his impact. He’s a good guy–with bad delivery. His approach doesn’t equal his intended outcome. You can kind of see his results, but it’s exhausting mentally and emotionally to get your head around his tactics. 

He’s not the only one! Coaching, delivering feedback, difficult conversations, and performance reviews are hard! There’s a lot to consider; perhaps we haven’t had the best examples of people modeling strong communication techniques. (Thank you, Scott.)

Last weekend was an exclamation point for an idea that has been simmering in my noggin. One of the most powerful pieces of the programs I run are Coaching Clinics. After a workshop, I encourage participants to go out and practice. Then, enter Coaching Clinics, small group sessions where we practice, debrief, and get real-time coaching. It’s the aha moment of how to put the theory into practice. 

I’m excited to open up this concept to you! You can find out more here, but in a nutshell, I’m offering Coaching Clinic days in December and January. (OFC, if these days don’t work, email me, and we’ll get a time scheduled!) 

60 minutes to plan, prepare, and practice a feedback convo, a difficult convo, or a performance review you’ve got coming up. It WILL be fun and impactful! 😉