I came to the call partially fired up and partially…well, mostly hungry.

What started in the fall last year had come together in the past few days.

I was REAL fired up because earlier in the day a bunch of stuff had clicked and by stuff I mean my way of thinking, my content, my IP (intellectual property 🤓) in the forms of models and ideas and programs and what I wanted to do with my life/work/all of it.

I mean that’s pretty exciting!

So when the first comment from my mentor post-me sharing and declaring my epiphanies and ideas was something along the lines of, “Erin, you’re such a strange creature…” I was a bit 🤔.

I noticed that feeling I get in the pit of my stomach (which was rumbling), the one I get when I’m like do I want to hear what is about to be said?

I reminded myself yes, Erin, this is why you’re here on these calls and in this mentorship community.

I shoved the WTH thoughts out of my head and stayed present to what Matt was saying.

His take: the “strangeness” was my way of being all in on life. Living in the “land of real” as my friend calls it. No bullshit. Speaking the truth. Having a POV. Being generally enthusiastic. You know, yell-couraging my way through life. That big stage energy and directness and compassion and all of those things…and then this weird desire/need/who-knows-what-the-heck to fit into the “corporate” world. To be “professional.”

The pit grew in my stomach.

Stay present, Erin, Stay present, Erin. Do not shut down, Erin, do not shut down, Erin. (You know the reaction you get when you are hearing things you might not want to hear and aren’t sure why?) #awareness

“We need more of your rock star, Erin, less of your corporate. YOU ARE SO NOT CORPORATE.”

I was both encouraged and offended by that comment. 🙄

Then the doozie. The branding call out. I’d gone from the bright colors of the Noticed and Noted days to the navy and gold of the Presence days. “Your branding is like a roman statue written in sandstone…” was what I remembered hearing.

The pit then dominated. My face betrayed me. I pinched my leg and told myself to keep my uncharitable thoughts towards Matt and what he was saying to myself. Stay present, Erin. Stay present.

But after that I’m not quite sure what else he said.

After that I kinda checked out.

The call ended and I felt fully deflated and confused and pissed and frustrated and I sat there and I stared out my window into the darkness and I asked myself WHY ARE YOU SO TRIGGERED, ERIN?

To be clear, it was not about the branding.

I looked over my notes. I read what Matt had said in the transcript. The words right in front of my face. Objective. What is this really about, Erin?

I realized it was two things:

First, I was hungry as hell and my blood sugar was tanking because I’d eaten yogurt at 6 AM and it was now 7 PM and hence time to start prepping for everyone’s favorite activity–a colonoscopy happening the next morning. #moreawareness

Second, he was right. And it’s not even so much about Matt being “right,” it’s about him seeing what I wasn’t seeing. It was about him shining a light on how I was ALL IN ON ERIN and then I was confusing the message by having beige basic bitch branding and trying to fit my round self into a square hole.

I realized I had one foot on the break and one foot on the gas.

What had started last year, after various activities and feedback and reflection and action, was noticing that the most heard feedback I’ve gotten for, I don’t know, the past 30 years has been, “Your energy! Your enthusiasm!” And my response in my head was always “I’M SMART, TOO! I CAN ADD VALUE!”

What hit me was that my energy, my yell-couragement, my tough-minded optimism IS my value. (I mean and I can teach some shit, too. 🫡)

That thinking and writing and more reflecting and more walks and more shedding of nonsense lead to the epiphany that I’d shared with Matt earlier.

The “brand,” my practice, what I was all about was The Experience of You. People owning, embracing, celebrating, BEING the experience of them and what means to each person individually. It’s the awareness, the alignment, the agency.

It’s your authenticity, authority, experience, energy, and caring that create connection and build trust and fuel confidence. Embracing all of that is how we create impact–and I love seeing people for who they are and lightening them up and yell-couraging them to play bigger and play full on. I mean THAT is the work I do.

OH THE IRONY.

That my great epiphany was about The Experience of You and I was still trying to be some “professional” “corporate” stoic something I don’t even know what.

I knew something was off that night. Besides my empty stomach.

I knew there was a reason that Matt’s words were punching me in the gut.

I knew the obvious and easy thing to do was to lash out at him, if only in my head.

I also know that Matt has an ability to see people, to share unique insights, and that the only dog Matt has in this fight is to help us be the fullest versions of ourselves. So maybe eat some jello, Erin, get a grip, and hear the truth in what he’s saying.

Here we are.

No more blue and gold roman nautical stoic nonsense. Same but different, right?

No more foot on the brake! Now we’re all foot on the gas, baby!

Yes to watercolors (done by yours truly) and big and bold and rockstar and real and energy and enthusiasm.

The pit I felt might have been awakened by Matt’s words.

Really, it was the last bit of fear and reservation and knowing that in my heart of hearts I’m more color than beige. It’s my responsibility to get out there and bring some color to this world. To fully trust myself that’s the work I’m here to do, and I can do it in my full-on-Erin way.

Lucky for me the colonoscopy was successful! All clear and healthy.

AND that last pit of fear and uncertainty, literally and figuratively cleaned out with those prep pills. 😉