If you pay attention to these sorts of things, there’s a lot of articles and commentary about how confidence comes second. As in people ask, “How do you get confidence?”

You gotta do the thing!
Get out there!
Do it! Fail! Reflect! Learn!

Listen. I’m a full on believer in all of that. Andddd, I think there’s another option.

Confidence also comes into tapping into and grounding into who you are and what you know. I mean REALLY know. The knowing that is deep in your bones and gut and brain and in all the places.

The grounding into who you are at your best. Your style, your approach, that natural way you do things that you don’t even have to think about.

Like if all else fell away and you were left with those two things, I’d put money on a confident being showing up in the room.

It was about this time last year I was scheduled to do a talk at a conference.
It was also about this time last year that my father passed away.

I had another event before said talk and as I was headed to the airport, I could tell there was no way I was going to make my flight nor could I deal with the thought of airports and rental cars and driving and more airports and more rental cars so I pulled over, cancelled my flight, and pulled into my local rental car place.

I drive a 2013 Elantra. My goal is to get antique plates on that beast. I also respect it enough to know that it was not tuned up for the 6 hour drive I had in front of me.

On that drive, I reviewed my talk. I talked it out. I imagined my position on the stage. I worked through the timing.

I did that for about 15 minutes and then I could no longer remember one thing I was supposed to talk about. I tried to restart…nothing. I attempted to yell the outline into my phone app. Nothing. I started to think OH GOD I HAVE TO PREPARE and then all of a sudden I did not.

I had nothing in my tank.
One more attempt at practicing was going to do nothing.

So I stared out the windshield.
I looked at the countryside passing by.
I let my mind wander.

I had to do two days of training before that talk. It was a bit of a phone-it-in-situation and I got through without knowing what I said and then got 10 out of 10 on my evaluations, so apparently I said some good shit.

Then it was the night before the talk. I tried again to do a run through. Again, I had nothing.

Well, I DID have something.
I had everything I needed.

When I stared at my face in that hotel mirror the morning of the conference, I said, “Erin, you know this. You could walk on that stage and say, ‘What questions do you have about feedback conversations?’ and riff for approximately 234 hours. You’ve done this talk before. This stuff is in your bones. You’ve got interaction and activities planned and that keeps you present and listening and responding. You are wearing a fabulous emerald green blazer, bad ass earrings, and fun shoes. Go be with the people. Go do your thing.”

I got up on that stage and I NAILED IT.

I had no capacity to over-prepare. (My normal MO.)
I had no capacity to over-think.
I had no capacity to do all of the normal non-helpful things I’ve done in the past.

What I did have?
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Knowledge, in my bones, about what I was talking about.

Even more than that, grounding into me at my best is with the people. Riffing, being hilarious, lovingly pushing people, calling them out, calling them up. I had created an experience where all of that could happen.

Maybe the combo of both of those things is knowing that people need some of what I got–the knowledge stuff, yeah, but also someone that is able to see them, support them, and call them up. That’s how I roll.

My confidence that day, when I felt internally wiped and mildly cracked out (to use a professional psychological term) came from grounding down into who I am and the knowing of who I am at my best.

On a day that I didn’t think I could do it, I did it.
No one in that room had any idea of what had happened three weeks prior.
They didn’t need to.

On the drive home after the conference, I was doing my normal post-event reflecting.

There was an ease. A powerful feeling. And, mildly surprisingly, a sense of relief.

When I asked myself what that was all about, I had an “oh shit” moment.

OH SHIT, ERIN. YOU TRUSTED YOURSELF. YOU GOT UP ON THAT STAGE AND TRUSTED YOURSELF THAT BEING THERE AND BEING PRESENT AND TAPPING INTO WHAT YOU DO…AND YOU NAILED IT.

The relief? No more need to over-prepare. No more need to run though the agenda one million, three hundred thousand times. No need to go through the waves of self doubt and can I do this and what am I doing.

My tank was on fumes and there was nothing in my being that could even allow me to do any of those things.

It turned out after that day on stage, I realized I no longer needed those things.

My confidence came from trust. Trusting in myself. My knowing. And showing up doing what I know I do best.

The relief, and power, that comes from knowing that those things are always with me. The relief, and freedom of no more hours of exhaustive and pointless over-preparing and doubting!!

You’ll get confidence by going out there and doing the thing and reflecting.

You’ve got the confidence in you already when you ground down, anchor in, and trust yourself.

What do you KNOW, like KNOW, that you could riff on for days?
What are you doing when you’re at your best?
How can you define those answers for yourself to have your confidence at the ready?

I am big on reflecting. As I pulled into my driveway that night, I thought about where my body and mind and energy were 3 days prior cancelling that flight and being in a lowkey panic. In that moment, the sky was this magical pink full of whispy clouds and I felt a whole new presence take over–of calm, of trust, of ease. That day was a turning point for a lot of things…and that sky was someone’s way of saying, “You got this.”